Some thoughts...

Honestly, why is it so hard? So much turmoil and unnecessary emotions involved. It is really time to move on and not hold on to the past, is that so difficult to understand? I am not as great as you think I am, I don’t define who you are. Please don’t stand so close, please don’t draw me back to that uncertain blackhole. Let’s be fair, and call it truce.

Soon, we will part our ways and paths hopefully will not cross again. You are only one paragraph in my life, and I would like to move on with the rest of chapters and turning pages. Wake up, what you consider possible isn’t really at the moment, don’t get caught up in nostalgia and take my kindness for granted. Grow up, not everyone will wait and take baby steps with you. Life is full of giant leaps of faith.

Last time I devote my thoughts to you. Good bye.

Outdoor outlet shopping center! a whole new shopping experience..

I have never been to an outdoor mall before. At first, I thought the concept is kind of strange; honestly, what are people supposed to do when it hails/rains/snows? Anyways, today's weather was luckily very nice, not too hot or cold (we weren't really planning to go in the first place, kind of stumble across it as we decided very last minute-ly to not attend a volunteer event...oh wells). The outlet shopping center wasn't completely outdoors, there were pavilion ceilings over certain parts of the mall. Everything there is literally outlet or factory store, of course, I was happy over the mooons!! I bought a crapload of stuff, its kind of ridiculous how I have stretch marks on my arms from carrying those heavy shopping bags. We hit most of the big stores:

Saks Fifth - found my lovely Cole Haans,

Calvin Klein - bought more pants (I love their pants! but their shirts are HUGEE...Iwould be swimming in them),

Guess - I always think I will find something there because my roommate at school had always gotten cute stuff from this store,

Clarks - sandals are soo cute but I don't want to get the same as my friends (I have several friends who have them and honestly I don't remember which style they got),

Naturalizer - bought a pair of wedge sandals that I am going to return...I decided that I didnt like it when I home,

Loft - I think I raided this store too much in Maryland so much that I didnt find anything today,

Coach - OMGOSH, this freaking place is NUTTY...we had to wait inline to go into the store...everything was extra 30% off. We saw many Asian women having at least 5-8 bags on their arms...it was ridiculous! Coach isnt that great =.= ,

MK - found this really really cute bag only if they had it in brown/tannish (apparently that color is called "luggage" brown...), I want the charlton crossbody at some point too but unwilling to pay $128 for it,

J Crew - nothing too great...I always think I will find something awesome but end up failing. I think their sizes are weird and also only really tall blondes look good in J Crew stuff,

Banana Republic - one of my favorite stores now! bought a pair of fitted cropped grey pants (work clothes yayyy!) I wish they had more colorful stuff like Loft because BR's quality is a lot better than Loft,

Converse - my friends bought shoes from there! I don't think I am hip enough to wear those haha, I am sticking to Keds,

Nine West - I have lost my interest in Nine West and moved onto COLE HAANS! hahaha

This section will be dedicated solely to Cole Haan....

Handbags - Heritage Weave Stripe Archer, Heritage Weave Stripe Ava are so cute but they might a bit too classy for young 20s. price tag: $348 sighhh loll I am planning to get it for my mom at the end of the summer.

Shoes - OMGOSH absolute love here...Talia's are ugly, Violet's are amazing (if you want more height 90, lower 60), Margot's are the most comfortable (I got them in nude wedges soo excited)

results of my shopping sprees...

skirt from anthropologie:

My lovely Cole Haans:

Yeah about those career aspirations...any job that is interesting, that pays enough so I can feed myself and be able to go on shopping sprees ^-^

Summer in Cinci

Midwest is really different from the East Coast. I am so spoiled by living in the second richest county in US where roads are smoothly paved. Road conditions here are terrible, so many craters everywhere. Things seem to move at a slower pace, people don't honk at you often, strangers actually talk to you at the grocery stores and don't cut rudely in front of you in lines. Best of all, this place has a small town feel with charms like Ithaca, but it is still a decently mid-size city with tons of shopping areas (outlets! my fave). Ithaca has couple Tops, one Wegmans, one Walmart and a Target, the rest is not worth mentioning too small. Despite all the cool parts about Midwest, I still don't like having to drive to places. At this stage of my life, where I don't have to yet live in the suburbs, I would like to avoid driving as much as possible. I am also so much more of an East Coast city girl, I excel and learn best in a competitive fast paced environment. I love talking to people who have just as much plans for the future as me if not more. I had lunch yesterday with my mentor from last summer, perhaps it is a school thing, she graduated from Carnegie Mellon - also a very top notch school with rigorous academics. I feel like I really connected with her, on our levels of ambitions and desire to take on challenges and learn new things.

Anyways, that's my life experience in Cinci for now... I will post later about my thoughts about this job and future career aspirations.

[pathetic]

Pathetic

That's how I feel

No matter how late at night

My heart stops beating

Like a rock

it just stops

in the middle of the road

in the dark alley

where my soul is left unclaimed

you

me

pathetic

wrenched and burned

bridges, crossing points

no end

stop signs and shadows

I can’t

Can’t

Just can’t feel

You turned me this way

Made me this way

Locked away in a little black box

Light up in matches and flames

Gone

Forever

Untraceable.

cold

Wind snow wind rain
Can hardly see you
In midst a flicker of cold
Rolling rolling fall

My greatness you
How to find
Dig dig fall

I wake up
Gone
Where to?
[ ]

somethings...

1.5 years have passed since HS graduation.

Many things have changed and many things haven't.

Life passed by in such a hurry. No one really bothered to stop and take a look. Time really don't stop for anyone. Why should it? It has no awareness of you and me or anyone else.

All we can do is catch up.

I don't know how I should feel.

Obedience is taught, honored in all cultures. To what extent is it too much? I hate to hear "I told you so's" and sometimes I am just afraid to take responsibilities for who I am.

Instead of taking chances, I play it safe. Because in the end, it would not be my fault.

Sigh.

这个世界上根本不存在无辜之人

Innocence is a luxury. At the same time, it seems to be a kind of ignorance thought it's accepted by the world as something invaluable and of high virtue.

I wonder whether knowledge is actually good. Whether it is better to be more in tune with one's surrounding or not? The burden of knowledge seems suffocating at times. Yet we love to dig up secrets and gossip. Sounds awfully contradicting but true.

I never realized how much my views on life are influenced by my mother. I never thought about the source of my much practical, pessimistic, realistic outlook on life. Reality is cruel, truths are ugly. Mother once said while father looked on skeptically. He's a rather chirpy outgoing fellow.

人若没有努力去改变自己的处境那就没有什么好值得同情可怜的,那些受到欺压和不公的人只会含冤隐忍或者四处哀告都是一种无能和逃避.

trans. (I'm not a great translator but I try my best): If people have not attempted to change themselve or improve their poor surrounding, they are not worth of pity. Those who only know how to endure the pain silently or seek out for help mindlessly are simply avoiding, which shows how disguistingly helpless they are.

I honestly could not have agreed more with this. Pity is an useless thing. The only person that can help you is you.