Cherish

diggin through old files...

2012-01-13T23:26:00.000-08:00

recently seen quite a few people posting/translating their college app essays...i found mine. looking back, there are parts that i like and parts that i found myself frowning upon. overall, its not too terrible but could've been a lot better if i had devoted more time to write it haha

Why do people believe in fairy tales and happy endings? Why do little girls wish to be princesses with big tall castles? Why do young women fantasize about chivalrous Prince Charmings?

Even I had wanted to dine with silverware, sleep until noon in my lofty canopy bed, and dance in soft satin shoes. But what fascinated me the most were the hopes that castles embody. Châteaux, castillo, castelli, castelo – in every language, the word “castle” has a certain enchanted meaning. The spiraling pinnacles reaching for the sky dare humans to think the impossible. While the soaring heights and enormity of castles seem unreal, their mere existence proves the opposite.

With these thoughts, I walked into my first castle, Alcázar of Segovia, in Spain. Alcázar’s – “fortress” in Spanish – rough exterior did not mirror the delicate walls of the castles of my dreams. Its roof of sharp slate spires was far from elegance. Inside, the light struggled to come through the aged, tinted windows.

Where was my grand ballroom with crystal chandeliers? I searched frantically through the Alcázar brochure in my hand as I stumbled into a chamber with two mullioned windows. An exquisite mural painting appeared in front of me; in the center stood a young lady dressed in white, wearing a gold crown.

My mind traveled back to the road trip during which Carmen, my Spanish correspondent, and Mercedes, my host “mom”, conversed animatedly about the monarchs of Spain, trying to count all the Alfonsos, Ferdinands, and Isabellas. Could this be a painting of one of the most famous queens – Isabella the Catholic? It never occurred to me that a woman like Queen Isabella would have ever lived in such an unadorned castle.

Yet, I began to comprehend: the castle was only a symbol of power and authority while its inhabitants were the ones that created history, adding invisible sophistication to the castle. Underneath the dull surface of the parched walls and faded splendor laid the sagas of human success and failure.

As I climbed the strenuous spiral staircase to the top of the castle, seeking to view the grandeur of Segovia, I imagined Isabella doing the same more than six hundreds years ago. Perhaps, she too wondered about dreams, enchanted tales, and the complex nature of reality. Perhaps, she too had to face extremely conflicting choices, for instance, in the expulsion of the Jews and Muslims in Spain.

Realizing that even fairytale-like queens experienced turmoil and setbacks, I felt that I could no longer run away from my fears of failure, the difficult mission to master a new language, the seemingly impossible task to blend my two cultures – the American and the Chinese – to hide behind the surreal happiness of princess tales. Without the acknowledgment of reality, hopes and dreams are as empty as a castle without its past. These ideals will only disappoint me for I need to break my own barriers and write my own fairytale, even if it has flaws. Confidently, I started my first chapter.

对剩女/女强人一些感想。。。。

2012-01-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

剩女这个词有太多贬义。对于出生在良好的家庭而且接受过比较好的高等教育的女生来说，这词太有恐惧性了。通常这些女孩经济独立，生活上也不渴望些什么。父母的疼爱足以让她们觉得没有男生的爱慕也不是什么大不了的事情。假若身材高挑一点嘛，找对象更是麻烦。亚裔男没有几个特别高，要说找白人嘛又会遇到culture difference的种种不适。假若在国外呆久了，找对象语言上又是一个问题。只会说英文的abc男又嫌弃他们不珍惜中国文化，而只会说中文英文少略懂一点的也不行在正式场合下带不出去。大部分的男人自尊心特别强，假若把这种女生和另一种特别小鸟依人什么也不是特别好的女生放在他们面前，几乎大部分男人都会选择后者。想找事业心的嘛，年轻的在这个年龄有几个是认真的？有一句挺有意思的话，20多岁的女生几乎都在帮别人调教男朋友/丈夫等等。这年头想找一个合适的喜欢的真不容易啊。。。

GMAT rant no.1...with numerous to come

2012-01-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

*GMATinggg*

i hate studying...blah blah blah

actually, it is not all that bad. some of the reading passages are interesting and quantitative part makes nostalgic of the SAT days. Data sufficiency and critical reasoning are something totally new to me. They are so strange for someone like me who does not have much common sense of logic. Eyeroll.

I have struggled to get up early in the mornings to study but have failed miserably for the past week. Trouble sleeping at night + continuous ignorance of alarm clock = waking up at 1pm everyday. It sounds terrible, I know. I am much a morning person and more productive at early hours of the day only if I can get up! I am determined to accomplish this.

There is so many things to be done, the list goes on endlessly. So many things on my wish to-do list as well. So hard to accomplish when more than half of my time is spent sleeping >.<

Ok, going back to critical reasoning now. BOOOO

光火的很。。。

2011-09-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

你没事找事的真有毛病，你以为自己是老几啊？老娘帮忙是出于好心，听你说你的心事，教你一些人士道道。你傻不溜秋的真以为我是你的全职therapist啊？需要就到，不需要连理都不理；虽然说我也很忙，也顾不着每个人，可是我会尽力。你何时能长大啊？何时能交一些真正适合你的朋友？何时能知道该放下的就得放下，有些人你没有必要去理会也没有必要去傻傻地去通知我。有些事你得学会妥当地处理，没头没脑的你会得罪都少人？你还真以为我是professional啊？什么事儿都能用objective的角度去看么？错！我是有血有肉也有感情的一个人，我没有时间跟你们去玩那些幼稚的游戏。你和她是你们的问题，请不要把我卷入是非。好好的我对你们都不错，你们的事请不要拿我当筹码。我受不起这么高的抬举！！

poem lantl

2011-08-22T02:59:00.000-07:00

I don't want to sleep

I don't want to miss a minute

nor a second when you're here

please stay and light a candle for me

while petals fall, leaves and pages turn

spinning out of control

please stay and give me warmth

while blossoms fades, hours and days pass

piercing through the remains of my memories

please stay and catch the next ride

while piercing zephyr of spring grains

pieces of my nonexistence into seeds

take me with you

take my heart with you

take my loneliness with you

but please stay and remember my absence

wrote this on a late night study session in Statler...

2011-07-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Differences between man and man, position/education/occupation held often is perceived as how much a person is worth. Socioeconomic statuses really stratify one from another. When I see janitors cleaning up after students at midnight, I feel a sense of tragic loneliness. Glamorous day aspect of a building in an Ivy League school, who knew how lonely and sad it gets at night and those who provide services at night. Honestly, I don’t know what I should feel towards those who might not have had as good opportunities as I have had. Pity? No, they are equal human beings but I still feel a sense of sadness. When people are sleeping, they are working under the moonlight. I think what I want to eventually tell my own kids is that no matter what you feel or feel hopelessly that you can’t help them all, the very least thing you can do is to respect them: say thank you whenever you have a chance. It makes me happy to say that to bus drivers after they dropped me off at a stop even if I am on a bad day. Saying something cheerful not only brings up own mood but could have potentially also just turned another’s bad day slightly better. Life is unfair but everyone deserves respect.

Some thoughts...

2011-06-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

Honestly, why is it so hard? So much turmoil and unnecessary emotions involved. It is really time to move on and not hold on to the past, is that so difficult to understand? I am not as great as you think I am, I don’t define who you are. Please don’t stand so close, please don’t draw me back to that uncertain blackhole. Let’s be fair, and call it truce.

Soon, we will part our ways and paths hopefully will not cross again. You are only one paragraph in my life, and I would like to move on with the rest of chapters and turning pages. Wake up, what you consider possible isn’t really at the moment, don’t get caught up in nostalgia and take my kindness for granted. Grow up, not everyone will wait and take baby steps with you. Life is full of giant leaps of faith.

Last time I devote my thoughts to you. Good bye.

Outdoor outlet shopping center! a whole new shopping experience..

2011-06-11T18:25:00.001-07:00

I have never been to an outdoor mall before. At first, I thought the concept is kind of strange; honestly, what are people supposed to do when it hails/rains/snows? Anyways, today's weather was luckily very nice, not too hot or cold (we weren't really planning to go in the first place, kind of stumble across it as we decided very last minute-ly to not attend a volunteer event...oh wells). The outlet shopping center wasn't completely outdoors, there were pavilion ceilings over certain parts of the mall. Everything there is literally outlet or factory store, of course, I was happy over the mooons!! I bought a crapload of stuff, its kind of ridiculous how I have stretch marks on my arms from carrying those heavy shopping bags. We hit most of the big stores:

Saks Fifth - found my lovely Cole Haans,

Calvin Klein - bought more pants (I love their pants! but their shirts are HUGEE...Iwould be swimming in them),

Guess - I always think I will find something there because my roommate at school had always gotten cute stuff from this store,

Clarks - sandals are soo cute but I don't want to get the same as my friends (I have several friends who have them and honestly I don't remember which style they got),

Naturalizer - bought a pair of wedge sandals that I am going to return...I decided that I didnt like it when I home,

Loft - I think I raided this store too much in Maryland so much that I didnt find anything today,

Coach - OMGOSH, this freaking place is NUTTY...we had to wait inline to go into the store...everything was extra 30% off. We saw many Asian women having at least 5-8 bags on their arms...it was ridiculous! Coach isnt that great =.= ,

MK - found this really really cute bag only if they had it in brown/tannish (apparently that color is called "luggage" brown...), I want the charlton crossbody at some point too but unwilling to pay $128 for it,

J Crew - nothing too great...I always think I will find something awesome but end up failing. I think their sizes are weird and also only really tall blondes look good in J Crew stuff,

Banana Republic - one of my favorite stores now! bought a pair of fitted cropped grey pants (work clothes yayyy!) I wish they had more colorful stuff like Loft because BR's quality is a lot better than Loft,

Converse - my friends bought shoes from there! I don't think I am hip enough to wear those haha, I am sticking to Keds,

Nine West - I have lost my interest in Nine West and moved onto COLE HAANS! hahaha

This section will be dedicated solely to Cole Haan....

Handbags - Heritage Weave Stripe Archer, Heritage Weave Stripe Ava are so cute but they might a bit too classy for young 20s. price tag: $348 sighhh loll I am planning to get it for my mom at the end of the summer.

Shoes - OMGOSH absolute love here...Talia's are ugly, Violet's are amazing (if you want more height 90, lower 60), Margot's are the most comfortable (I got them in nude wedges soo excited)

results of my shopping sprees...

skirt from anthropologie:

My lovely Cole Haans:

Yeah about those career aspirations...any job that is interesting, that pays enough so I can feed myself and be able to go on shopping sprees ^-^

Summer in Cinci

2011-06-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Midwest is really different from the East Coast. I am so spoiled by living in the second richest county in US where roads are smoothly paved. Road conditions here are terrible, so many craters everywhere. Things seem to move at a slower pace, people don't honk at you often, strangers actually talk to you at the grocery stores and don't cut rudely in front of you in lines. Best of all, this place has a small town feel with charms like Ithaca, but it is still a decently mid-size city with tons of shopping areas (outlets! my fave). Ithaca has couple Tops, one Wegmans, one Walmart and a Target, the rest is not worth mentioning too small. Despite all the cool parts about Midwest, I still don't like having to drive to places. At this stage of my life, where I don't have to yet live in the suburbs, I would like to avoid driving as much as possible. I am also so much more of an East Coast city girl, I excel and learn best in a competitive fast paced environment. I love talking to people who have just as much plans for the future as me if not more. I had lunch yesterday with my mentor from last summer, perhaps it is a school thing, she graduated from Carnegie Mellon - also a very top notch school with rigorous academics. I feel like I really connected with her, on our levels of ambitions and desire to take on challenges and learn new things.

Anyways, that's my life experience in Cinci for now... I will post later about my thoughts about this job and future career aspirations.

[pathetic]

2010-12-03T02:49:00.000-08:00

Pathetic

That's how I feel

No matter how late at night

My heart stops beating

Like a rock

it just stops

in the middle of the road

in the dark alley

where my soul is left unclaimed

you

pathetic

wrenched and burned

bridges, crossing points

no end

stop signs and shadows

I can’t

Can’t

Just can’t feel

You turned me this way

Made me this way

Locked away in a little black box

Light up in matches and flames

Gone

Forever

Untraceable.

cold

2010-02-12T12:07:00.001-08:00

Wind snow wind rain
Can hardly see you
In midst a flicker of cold
Rolling rolling fall

My greatness you
How to find
Dig dig fall

I wake up
Gone
Where to?
[ ]

somethings...

2009-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

1.5 years have passed since HS graduation.

Many things have changed and many things haven't.

Life passed by in such a hurry. No one really bothered to stop and take a look. Time really don't stop for anyone. Why should it? It has no awareness of you and me or anyone else.

All we can do is catch up.

I don't know how I should feel.

Obedience is taught, honored in all cultures. To what extent is it too much? I hate to hear "I told you so's" and sometimes I am just afraid to take responsibilities for who I am.

Instead of taking chances, I play it safe. Because in the end, it would not be my fault.

Sigh.

这个世界上根本不存在无辜之人

2009-07-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

Innocence is a luxury. At the same time, it seems to be a kind of ignorance thought it's accepted by the world as something invaluable and of high virtue.

I wonder whether knowledge is actually good. Whether it is better to be more in tune with one's surrounding or not? The burden of knowledge seems suffocating at times. Yet we love to dig up secrets and gossip. Sounds awfully contradicting but true.

I never realized how much my views on life are influenced by my mother. I never thought about the source of my much practical, pessimistic, realistic outlook on life. Reality is cruel, truths are ugly. Mother once said while father looked on skeptically. He's a rather chirpy outgoing fellow.

人若没有努力去改变自己的处境那就没有什么好值得同情可怜的,那些受到欺压和不公的人只会含冤隐忍或者四处哀告都是一种无能和逃避.

trans. (I'm not a great translator but I try my best): If people have not attempted to change themselve or improve their poor surrounding, they are not worth of pity. Those who only know how to endure the pain silently or seek out for help mindlessly are simply avoiding, which shows how disguistingly helpless they are.

I honestly could not have agreed more with this. Pity is an useless thing. The only person that can help you is you.

2009-07-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

the silent passing of time
of little grains slipping through
in the hour glass
so fleeting and precious
empty or full, one or the other
simple isn’t it?
No, nothing makes a clean pass

There are things left unsaid
Things left unspoken,
Left unheard
the sand in my hand
feels like nothing but a ghostly breeze passing

many have flown away
flown away to somewhere
away from my grasp
while the oxygen I hear breathe heavily
against my shoulders

the air of happiness
of sadness.

Hi!

2009-07-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I've written anything lengthy online. Last one was probably lj or xanga and that was years ago.

Maybe a blog will cure my summer boredom. I mean facebook stalking my friends doesn't really count as fun. So I've decided to get a blog and possibly a twitter when I've figured out how to use that.

Going to play around with this a bit. Write more later.